***Day 2***

The next day, I began again to try and find the answer. I did this for several reasons, but mainly because writing is a necessary part of who I have become, no matter if I realized it at 10 years old or 30, it is as important as sustenance is to my body, words and stories are for my sanity, which some question at times. But, I had to find some way to improve or even at times, find my motivation. I must let those voices in my head which are constant and nagging, wanting their lives to continue, living within my imagination and dying to come out with strokes from my computer keyboard come out without finding something else to do like clean bathroom toilets. Sometimes I believe that finding the motivation is to let go of the guilt. You know how it is, working all day, making dinner, laundry, driving my boys around to activities, worrying about my son in Afghanistan, and is my 17-year-old son okay? He’s late. Sometimes I really wonder if I am being selfish by writing, there is so much else to do and it takes time away from family, offering me another excuse not to write, embedding the lack of motivation into my daily life.

So my quest began anew and I sought out the chief of police, Kenny, and his response was, “What motivates me are happy people, solving problems and being sought for your opinion and knowledge, makes you feel useful and wanted. This with my family and friends motivates me to excel in everything I do.” He smiled and nodded. “Did I help?”

“Well,” I responded, “you confirmed what I’ve known about you all along is that you are inspired by everything around you good and kind.” He left me heading toward a meeting humming through the hallway.

Happy people, he said. Well, I write romantic suspense, they can’t always be happy. And, a mom of four, I am needed enough, thank you. So, what works for the chief doesn’t necessarily work for me. So I continued and saw my friend Chris, a cop who has offered me assistance on occasions when I needed him without question and now I consider my friend. He asked for some time to think over his response and when he returned, he glanced to the side.

“I don’t know exactly how to say this, but here goes. Motivation for me is knowing that I provide guidance, prevention and order in our community as a police officer. As a public safety officer, knowing that I helped save a life today adds to my desire to be a success in my job.”

I smiled at him. “You said it very well Chris, thank you.” And he walked out of my office. Well, I destroy order and tranquility in my novels in order to place two people together, so that won’t work and I certainly enjoy the murder part far more than saving lives, of course, unless it’s the hero and heroine.

So I continued my trek through the motivation quest to Sgt. Hamblen of the police department. This tall (maybe 6’2” or 6’3”) man who reminds me of a handsome Bailiff Bull from the Night Court sitcom years ago, said the hero words of a police officer in my opinion.

First he did the cop thing. “Why do you want to know?”

I smiled and explained. Then he nodded and looked up and down the hallway, ensuring we weren’t going to be overheard. He does have a reputation to maintain, after all.

“Well,” he began, “I am motivated by knowing that I make a difference. That may be by helping people, understanding their situations and treating them with respect that I may help people. It offers me the hope that possibly one day in the future, someone who was a troubled teen grew up into a successful adult and when they saw me would say, “Hey, if it hadn’t been for you, I would’ve never made it.”

Hero words if I ever heard them, gonna have to use that statement in one of my novels.

However, I wondered if I if would ever find the perfect statement to answer my question? So many of the people I know have found the answer, why am I the one still looking? I sat in my nine-passenger van that resembles more of a daycare bus than anything else, affectionately referred to as Big Bertha, and mulled over all that I had learned and realized they had found the answers specific for them. But what about me? What if I never found motivation and simply worked day by day at the same pace? Oh well, not a bad way I suppose, but I was dumbfounded that I couldn’t find the answer.

We arrived at karate at the community center. My boys jumped from the van and ran into the building and I quietly followed, still confused at my lack of success as we stepped into the dojo. The boys looked excited to be there as they stood at attention and the teacher spoke encouraging words as my mind wandered. Why had I failed? I asked everyone that I could in two days of lunch hours, wasted all that time and my question still remained unanswered. I sat in the grey metal chair, discouraged as the karate class began to recite their student creed. I found that although I have heard it hundreds of times, for the first time in two years, I truly listened to the words they spoke loudly in cadence form.

I will develop myself in a positive manner and avoid anything that could reduce my mental growth or physical health. I will develop self-discipline in order to bring out the best in myself and others. I will respect and support and offer hope where I can. I will use common sense before self-defense and never be abusive or offensive. This is a black belt school: we are dedicated, we are motivated, we are on a quest to be our best. I will persevere no matter what the odds and will never, ever, allow someone to tell me something is not within my reach. I will reach for the stars because winners never quit and quitters never win; and I choose to be a winner!

Warmth spread over me and I closed my eyes as realization overcame every thought, every goal and every action of my life. Motivation is not a question that can be answered from anyone else. It comes from within; no one person can identify what motivates you to do the things you love, hate or that become mundane in your day-to-day activities. I have found the answer, finally, and it is within me. I choose to be a winner no matter what the odds.

I smiled, opened my eyes and glanced at the clock. I couldn’t wait to get home and begin the next chapter.